Age difference - may matter, but its not all

when you get past the age that life begins, you’re always a bit more self-conscious about the fact that you’re not getting any younger, and that those pretty young things wont even give you a second look (and maybe not even a first one). Yet, it warms the cockles of my heart of hearts to see friends who think they are past their prime, but definitely are still in the running, with their jowaz who are almost a generation younger.   And yes, these are relationships that are more than the ONS - they have been going on for years. Take Tony, who is approaching fifty, yet has Hector, a lovely Khmer not yet 25, jealously guarding him for the past two and a half years.  There’s 24 year old  Stanley Mark, who has professed undying love, affection (and occasional sex) with Ven, who is old enough to be his Dad.  And 52 year old Nath, who lived with 28  year old Alan, his cool call center friend.  And there are several others, like Janto (34) who has been with Sam (57) for the past 9 years.  Sam even separated from his wife and kids to be with Janto.  There’s also 40 year old Sid, who has Rit, who is 15 years younger.

Ive always wondered how these relationships work out, particulalry since the age gap between the partners can be intimidating.  But it seems that each really has a lot to learn from the other.  There is a lot of nurturing and patience on the side of the older partner, who has seen his share of relationships.  The younger guys are often more idealistic and hope that this will be their one great love,   The older ones ‘came out’  long before they met the younger guys.   Except in the case of Janto and Sam, because Janto was out earlier than his older partner.  In a sense Janto helped Sam discover who he truly was and what he gruly liked, and a year after they met, they moved in together, and have been together the past eight years, travelling to different continents together.  Hector has never introduced Tony to his family formally (ine time they bumped into each other at a fastfood joint when Hector was with his mom), so that was how Tony met the family–accidentally. Hec also wants to make the age difference less obvious, so he insists that Tony dye his hair regularly, feeling uncomfortable of being seen so often with a guy with gray streaks.  Ven has steadfastly refused a face to face meeting with Stan’s family  Nath met Alan’s parents and has actually had holidays with them.  And Sid and Rith travel a lot together, but Sid has not  come  out to his parents.

Oh yes–one other thing: all the above relationships are bi-racial: none of the partners above share the same nationality or ethnic origin. Perhaps that’s a plus.   There is also little ideologic discussions on gay identity–often these concepts are not found in the culture of  on epartner, and discussions about who is/is not gay are often heated.  This is where the popular apellation of ‘Men preferring to  have sex with other  men’ is a better description of the sexual relationship. Again, all the above partners tend not to dress or move effeminately.

All the relationships described above are ‘open’ to some degree. Each dates other people but prefers not to discuss this with the partner.  None have tried threesomes with other people, feeling that this was unacceptable. Yet, occasional sex with others has been taken as a given. ‘Don’t ask and Don’t tell’ is the norm.  It is not easy to say what might happen if one partner is caught with his pants down, since all think they have been careful not to be discovered, and have kept these occasional encounters shared with similar discreet friends. However it is likely if one vigorously defends the ‘it was just sex, we didnt kiss on the lips’ part, and denies the ‘emotional involvement’, the ‘falling in love’ bit, or avoids certain acts that show intimacy, all will be forgiven, but not necessarily forgotten. 

 Huge age gaps,cultural differences, the lack of emphasis on western identity politics, an overt preference for the masculine/straight looking men, and unwritten codes of conduct with other sexual partners–despite the barriers, these relationships are notable for their longevity, flexibility, tolerance and trust.  Now if there was something like a ceremony to bind people together, I doubt that it would make the existing bonds any stronger….