godlovesbakla

December 27, 2009

this hot off the press memoir, by a close friend of the victadoras in cambodia, raymond alikpala, is a confessional tell-all, that most closeted gay men will relate to, particularly if they are in their forties and beyond.  The 200 page-or so self-published book cover’s raymond’s life in the closet, from his childhood in manila, his schooling at the ateneo, an advanced degree in law from singapore, a year and a half as a jesuit novice, a few years in a prestigious makati law firm,  human rights lawyering with Rene Saguisag,  a job with the UN working with refugees and asylum seekers to his finding true love in a hotel gym in ho chi minh city.  In between the outstanding scholastic achievements  (cum laude in college, student leader/activist), the desire to be admired, and to “pass” as one of the guys, ray weaves a tale of loneliness, deception, and suffocation in the closet, until he finally begins to realize, well into his thirties, nga bakla pala sya…

those of you OUT there na, even if you’re not personally friends of raymond will wonder a bit at the drama, much of which is effectively self-created,  but raymond skillfully weaves through the turbulence of the marcos-aquino years, throws in a first person’s account of the lenny villa slayings and the vizconde massacre to boot, the inner workings of a jesuit novitiate, dream analysis, the pleasures of bangkok rent boys, his preoccupation with masturbation, and his infatuations with male “best friends”.

raymond  is a compulsive diarist, and quotes from his diaries of the 1980s make this memoir particularly engaging.  many of his major life decisions he attributes to a desire to be with a special male friend rather than to any other sort of logic–amazing how one’s sexuality can shape those decisions, but perhaps this is not uncommon !  he continuously struggles with the cross of catholic religiosity, and in his late thirties, justifiably discards catholic teachings on homosexuality….those who are straight and who have never been in a closet of any kind will come to realise how oppressive being in the closet is,  to gay men and lesbians.